reede, august 23, 2013

confessions of a semi-depressed jobu

Kirjutan nüüd tõdest ja oma tundest. Tõde oli, et ma jõin sel ööl, 20. augustil 2013 kohvi enne kui ma alustasin sõitu Tallinnast tagasi Viljandisse. Tõde on, et kui ma läksin mööda Ardust ja Annast, ma hakkasin tundma end väsinud. Eesti liiklus oli nagu see tavaliselt oli, hästi palju rekkad, kiired autod, ebaseaduslik kiirus. Ei saanud hästi näha, oli udune, ja oli ebamugav mulle nii ruttu sõita. Mina ei ole esimene inimene, kes on seda enne märganud. Mul on olnud sajad hirmsad kogemused eesti teedel. Ma tean väga hästi, kui ohtlikud nad on.

Tõde on, et ma hakkasin aru saama seal ja sel ajal, et ma ei saa niimoodi jõuda normaalselt Viljandisse. Otsustasin, et peaks Mäo Statoilisse või Kükita kohvikusse jõudna, uue kohvi ostma ja puhkama natukene. Ei tahtnud seista seal tee ääres ja puhata seal, sest et liiklus oligi nii ohtlik. Kartsin, et kui seisaksin seal, et rekka sõidaks kohe meie peale. Avariid on juhtunud niimoodi enne. Täpselt sel ajal jõudis politseinikud meie juurde ja vilgutasid tuld. Ausalt, ei teadnud, et ma tegin midagi valesti. Ausalt mõtlesin, et nad otsisid mingi muu auto, mis sõitis liiga kiiresti. Väga paljud sõitsid väga kiiresti.

Juhiloast, ausalt ei teadnud täpselt, mis see seadus on. Mul on erinevad sõbrad välismaalt, kes elavad Eestis ja on rääkinud igasugusedest variantidest. Kas ma pidin võtma eesti juhiluba, või kas see rahvusvaheline luba oli sobilik nagu mõned on öelnud? Miks ja miks? Tegelikult, ei teadnud mis see rahvusvaheline luba oligi, sest et ma seda pole nainud minu elus. Ja miks mu sõber rootsist võib sõita tema rootsi loaga näiteks? Kuidas Rootsi ja USA on erinevad selles kontkestis? Ja kui ma pidin midagi tegelema, kuhu ma peaks pöörama? Kas ARK-sse või autokooli? Kas on mingi teine koht kus nad teevad need asjad? Nii see oli minuga. Olin loll nagu saabas ja kogu aeg oli liiga kiire, ei saanud targemaks saada. Ma lihtsalt ei teadnud mida täpselt ma pidin tegema. Ja kuulsin, et on teised ka samamoodi USA lubadega. Praegu tunnen, et igaüks teist ütleks, et, "Jah, aga see on sinu süü, Justin, et sa ei teadnud!" Vist küll. Aga jagan minu lugu igatähes. Olen kirjanik, hea või halb, ja kirjutan mis on mu meeles ja südames. Õppige minu vigadest. Mina ei ole perfektne.

Mu abikaasa sel ajal oli täitsa hädas. Minu telefoni aku oli tühi, ja tema ei saanud helistada ka tema õe tütrele, kes oli meiega. Ma helistasin talle, ütlesin, et meil on probleem, et ei saa koju sõita. Minu naine tahtis rääkida politseinikuga, rääkis mõnda aega, aga siis ei saanud temaga suhelda. Tehnoloogia ei töötanud Kükitas. Abikaasa muretses hästi palju. Pani mõtted Facebookisse, et äkki mõni sõber võiks teda või meid aidata.

Mitte midagi siin on tema süü. Kõik on minu süü.

Jah, kõik need asjad olid ja on minu õlgadel. Ma tahtsin olla Super Eesti Mees, kes suudab sõita tagasi pärast kesköö Viljandisse ainult paari kohvidega. Super Eesti Mees ei ole mitte iialgi väsinud, saab kõike teha igal ajal, ja, kõige tähtsam, ei vingu üldse. Need aastad, millal olen elanud Eestis, olen õppinud mõtlema niimoodi. Aga see oli vale mõtlemine, mina arvan nüüd. Lisan, et olen tundnud päris üksikut tunnet siin mõnikord, eriti hiljuti, viimasel ajal, ja kui ma olin seal pimedas külmas parklas, tundsin, et ma olen üks jabur jobu maailma lõpus. Võite ette kujutada, et ei olnud väga hea tunne.

Aga olen õppinud midagi. Parim mõte on: ära ole Super Eesti Mees. Kui sa oled väsinud, ära sõita. Kui tee on legendaarselt hirmus ja alati täis ohtlikute sõitjatega, siis ära sõida sel teel. Mõned sõbrade põhimõte on, et nemad ei kasuta üldse Tallinn-Tartu maantee, sest et see on nii ohtlik tee! Nad lähevad koju läbi Jõgeva või Rapla. Nüüd arvan, neil on õigus. Veel: kui sina ei tea, siis küsi abi. Kui sina ei saa aru, mis see seadus täpselt on, siis pead küsima ja küsima ja küsima, kuni sa leiad õige vastuse.

Nii, lõpetan selle mõttega, et ma ütlen lihtsalt PALUN VABANDUST kõikidele kes on olnud seotud minu suure jamaga, eriti mu abikaasa. Palun unustage see suur jama, ja las hää päike tõuseb jälle meie ellu.

18 kommentaari:

Marko ütles ...

Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. It's understandable that your wife was worried. I'm worried if it takes half an hour longer for my partner to arrive from shops than usual just as you would be worried if Epp would be in some sort of trouble in the States. It's perfectly normal, it's life.

As for licenses, there's this international treaty that most European countries have signed up for, thus the Swedes don't need an extra piece of paper to prove their right to drive on our roads, whereas Americans haven't. And you have to provide a proof. It's just a technicality.

No need to beat yourself up for it. You learn from situations as such and move on.

Silvi ütles ...

Justin, Marko is absolutely correct! Don't beat yourself up! S... happens!!
Sounds like the cops thought you might have been drinking, because you were driving slowly and when they saw that you were sober, they had to justify their time and give you a hard time... probably because you're from "Ameerika".
Again, stop beating yourself up!
Think about this...
You have been living in Estonia for how long, and your language skills are GREAT! How many people of other nationalities (you know who I mean) have lived in Estonia for decades and refuse to learn the language.
You and your beautiful wife established and grown a great publishing company and your books are well liked.
You have contributed to Estonia and Estonians in Estonia and abroad.
... and you are the Issi to 3 beautiful Estonian children.

RESPECT for all of that!!

Now, turn that frown upside down and carry on! :-)

PS - If you ever come for a visit to Canada, or are visiting NY and feel like a quick drive to Toronto, we'd love to have you as a guest at the Toronto Estonian High School (night school - Tues. nights) The teens would love to hear your stories!

Temesta ütles ...

This year there was a change in the Estonian traffic law. EU citizens who are registered in Estonia will have to change their driving license for an Estonian license within two years after registering in Estonia. If you already lived in Estonia before the law went into effect (19.01.2013), you have until 19.01.2015 to get the Estonian license.
I got this information from my embassy, as the Estonian authorities apparently didn't think it was necessary to inform the people involved.

Unknown ütles ...

Don´t worry about it man. No-one even cares. What´s the big deal? You did´nt even get a ticket.
Better off - tell your wife not to go nuts in unclear situation and make some minor traffic-problem as a huge national foreign policy scandal with accusitive public statements, making herself or you as an innocent victim of huge and wrong system trying to take lives orsmthng. :)
No-one even blames you for bad driving - everyone knows the road is awful between Kose and Anna - I personally drive there 80 km/hr and I drive a jeep. Just talk to your woman and "ära põe". Nothing to worry about IMHO.

Unknown ütles ...
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
Unknown ütles ...

Oh... one more thing :) Just free advice.
Cant be "estonian man", if you don´t have following weapons in your arsenal. If you don´t want to say them - you can think them. And you can´t use them in your family or in company of your good friends - but most likely you´ll never have to
1. F--- it.
2. I don´t care.
3. It´s really not my problem.
4. So?
5. Here´s how it´s going to be
6. Leave me alone.
7. What do you want?
8. What do I have to do?

There´s a right place for every and each of these sentence´is. If you tend to choose not to use them when needed - you´ll stress your hair´s out.
Ok... driving down that bad road... big truck behind me, wants to get by. What do I do? Number 2 or 4. But if he´s beeping? Number 2. He can´t beep forever. But I feel really tired... and kids on the car... I´ll be careful and turn into the first parking lot I see. Oh, police stops me... What do I do, what do i do? Number 1. The worse they can do, is just giving a ticket. "Your licence is not valid here." Ok... that is a minor problem.. Number 8 (thinking also nr 1 and nr 5.).
Next day you will use either 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 and get this licence-thing going. Then you calm down your wife and when journalist calls you, you think of nr. 1, but politely answer him/her nr. 6 :)

Can´t be estonian man if you don´t know how to use these tools :)

Martasmimi ütles ...

Damn ... please stop with the I'm sorry blah blah.
You weren't drunk ... you didn't speed. You didn't kill anyone.
So stop, please !
If they didn't make you choose to have a license either here or there none of this would be have become a problem.
This is a good example of both you & Epp finding out who your true friends are.


Unknown ütles ...

I guess now you are starting to understand why we estonians don´t actually like our cops. If you had a few aquintances who were working as a cops, you ´d know that only friends they have are also policemen. In Estonia, lot of lower grade police workers - especially in smaller places - are significantly ignorant, stupid, unfriendly, full of themselves etc. Järvamaa e. Paide police is famous for that. The reason is: they know no-one likes them. So they take like defensive attitude and very often they´ll be just plain jerk´s in every opportunity they have. That´s their way to feel powerful and respected.
Basically - you were not in this situation because you are a foreigner. Most of estonians have been fucked somehow on the streets and roads by some policeman, who was big plain jerk. So don´t take any national or international conclusion out of this. And there really is some nice policemen, too.
So I just shall welcome you as a fellow estonian: you have been f----d by a police and now you know how it feels :) We all do! So you just made a step closer to being estonian. And especially for these kind of situations we have those tools I wrote above

Kristopher ütles ...

This reminds me a little of the confession/apology that police in Estonia ask you to write on the back of the summons when you get a traffic ticket.... (yes, they actually do that, probably still do) :) Yours would definitely be a "use separate sheet if necessary" one.... I asked them last time what I should write and they suggested, "Kahtsen oma tegu," that's what I wrote.

Aga mina endiselt ei tea, mida tuleb teha. Mis nõu sa annaksid? Kas peaks load vahetama või mitte. Mul on sama olukord, aint et mul on nii Eesti pass kui ID kaart. Samas - mul ei ole mingit sissekirjutust või kirjet, mis ütleb, et ma saabusin Eestisse konkreetsel päeval. Pean ennast vabaks inimeseks piirideta maailmas, reisin palju, ei anna kellelegi aru, kus elan antud hetkel, v.a. NSAle ja teistele, kellel vastused juba olemas....

Kirjuta vastus ka eesti keeles, siis keegi ei saa aru, mida me räägime.

metskaplan ütles ...

how has this suddenly become an issue of nationalities?

Giustino ütles ...

In the US, the police would have probably driven you home. Not that Estonia should be anything like the US, since everything in Estonia works fine and cannot be improved upon, but, as someone from the US, I expected the police might offer some kind of assistance, or suggestions on how to get out of Kükita. I had forgotten, sadly, that I was in a foreign land, where one should not expect such things. Now I know.

Kris, ma veel ausalt ei tea mida ma ise pean tegema, millised testid on vaja ja ne. Inimesed ütlevad, "Võta eesti luba." Selge. Kerge. Teie mõtes, ka ei tea mis on kõige sobivam variant. Inimene elab Eestis peaaegu 20 aastat, sõidab ilma eesti loata, politseinikud on rahul IDP-ga, aga ilmselt see on illegaalne. Igatähes, sa oled paha poiss kes räägib imeliku aktsentiga. Neil on õigus sind vihata. Lõpp.

Unknown ütles ...

There´s nothing to do with you being foreigner or whatever. You just waited things will go the way they are in US. But you are not in US, things in Estonia are estonian way - not that it would be something to be proud of. The fact that you have United States citizenship does not matter. We, Estonians, also would like policemen to be nice, friendly and helpful, you do not need to have US citizenship for that. But they very often just are not, thats the way things are here.
In US, also, police might have been shot your dog right on the scene. In Russia police would actually most likely robbe you on the place and put the bullet in your head.
We don´t like the way police works here, like you, americans, for example, don´t like your presidents publicly lie all the time or whatever. But we don´t feel ourselves guilty in front of a foreigners. We are just citizens like a foreign citizen here, not public service and we get this shit exactly like you did.
If yoy really want to seek sympathy out of it or even think that we strongly are not greatful for United States, which should be our fairy-like ally - then you are seriously lost, man.

stockholm slender ütles ...

But this is excessive - a minor mishap the blame for which is mostly not on your shoulders. The net really brings the worst in people, sometimes a shocking lack of empathy and human decency which can be quite depressing. Anyhow, this will be quickly forgotten - but you do sound somewhat down, should us, your readers, be worried?

Giustino ütles ...

Actually, I'm feeling better, although being exposed to a lot of poison directed toward me online has not been healthy.

You know, I did not ask for sympathy. I did not ask for the media to write about this or turn it into an issue. The only reason I addressed it publicly is because the media had ALREADY decided to cover it as they saw fit. That it enraged some people -- one way or the other -- is not something I engineered.

I do find the ongoing judgment of me by others fascinating, because even though I know most of the people passing judgment on me have done things that could warrant criticism, I wouldn't judge them, or at least would restrain myself from doing so, because I don't feel it is my place in the world to judge other people.

stockholm slender ütles ...

Och aye, these things are awfully unpleasant. Somehow I suspect that you might have also encountered an unfortunately familiar thing on these northern shores, the jantelagen... And that certainly is a somewhat un-American attitude whatever else we might think of the US. And I guess the size of the society matters too, we are rather confined here, insular. Anyway, better just somehow not let the smallness of people to constrict yourself.

Aap Saluveer ütles ...

''Mõned sõbrade põhimõte on, et nemad ei kasuta üldse Tallinn-Tartu maantee, sest et see on nii ohtlik tee! Nad lähevad koju läbi Jõgeva või Rapla.''

I usually take the Rapla route aswell lately.

Troels-Peter ütles ...

I like your non-judgmental attitude, Justin. Keep it up.

Mardus ütles ...

@Giustino
Between when when I last read your blog and now, you'd become a mini-celebrity of sorts.

But look at the bright side: the policemen didn't tase you and they didn't shoot you.

And now Estonia passed a law that will allow gays to register their partnerships (yay!), a previous government fell because its minister called a friendly country's minister a 'jobu' in a railway-related dispute, another minister resigned for belittling his colleague, and we've had our first school shooting.

We're part of the OECD (all the rich countries) since a few years ago, and PÖFF is one of the fifteen most prestigious film festivals in the world (premières galore).

I wish you could write more in the blog in addition to your day job (of publishing, I suppose), but now you write actual books.

OTOH, I have yet to catch up on everything else you've written between then and now.

Hopefully, you've seen the film "Risttuules" already. I haven't seen it yet, but it will also screen at PÖFF.